I thought I was getting better.
I was wrong.
Days ago (or weeks ago? I'm not sure. Time has always been too hard too understand and it also does these days), I have the urge to kill myself.
I was reaching for help and some people actually came, but it wasn't enough. I needed constant reassurance but people got tired. People always does. The thought of me being annoying and irrational came, on and on it never stopped frustrating me.
I tried quiting social media. Some people say the disappointment of yourself come from the pressure from the other. It was easy for a day or two, but then I need distraction. I read books. I cleaned my room. I played piano. I drew things and I tried writing. It helpes me... for a whole day.
I tried BagiKata. It's a kind of... suicidal hotline? for people who needs another person to talk too. But they are strangers. How do I feel about strangers? Will I truly care? I didn't want to know the answer and I left BagiKata on read before deleting the chat. It didn't help me.
Oh, I also pray or else. This one was the hardest way to learn that it SHOULD be me. The person who will be happy to understane me... should be me. And I can't. It's too loud here. It's too lonely. The pain is unbearable and I cant wait to end it. I was seeking for help and I still am. But maybe not anymore. I cant. I cant. I want to but I don't know how. These thoughts don't want to leave. Someone told me I was too negative and they must be right. This is why I can't help myself. Please. Please.
It must be easier to end all of this. What is the easiest way to do this?
Hanging myseld would never be an option. I am too clumsy, the probability of me failing because I slip myself is too much. I am not brave enough to to it the bridge way or the train way (and it's UGLY. I know I'm not setting my priority right but it may be something that saves me). Some drugs or medicine must be expensive: I don't want to bother anyone.
If no one couldn't help me being alive, could anyone please help me end this?
I was wrong.
Days ago (or weeks ago? I'm not sure. Time has always been too hard too understand and it also does these days), I have the urge to kill myself.
I was reaching for help and some people actually came, but it wasn't enough. I needed constant reassurance but people got tired. People always does. The thought of me being annoying and irrational came, on and on it never stopped frustrating me.
I tried quiting social media. Some people say the disappointment of yourself come from the pressure from the other. It was easy for a day or two, but then I need distraction. I read books. I cleaned my room. I played piano. I drew things and I tried writing. It helpes me... for a whole day.
I tried BagiKata. It's a kind of... suicidal hotline? for people who needs another person to talk too. But they are strangers. How do I feel about strangers? Will I truly care? I didn't want to know the answer and I left BagiKata on read before deleting the chat. It didn't help me.
Oh, I also pray or else. This one was the hardest way to learn that it SHOULD be me. The person who will be happy to understane me... should be me. And I can't. It's too loud here. It's too lonely. The pain is unbearable and I cant wait to end it. I was seeking for help and I still am. But maybe not anymore. I cant. I cant. I want to but I don't know how. These thoughts don't want to leave. Someone told me I was too negative and they must be right. This is why I can't help myself. Please. Please.
It must be easier to end all of this. What is the easiest way to do this?
Hanging myseld would never be an option. I am too clumsy, the probability of me failing because I slip myself is too much. I am not brave enough to to it the bridge way or the train way (and it's UGLY. I know I'm not setting my priority right but it may be something that saves me). Some drugs or medicine must be expensive: I don't want to bother anyone.
If no one couldn't help me being alive, could anyone please help me end this?
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