Leave, while you still can.
Leave.
Because from now on it’s not going to be easy.
I’ve told you from the start that this is not a good idea.
I’ve told you to stay away from me.
But everyday you came back with a new way to annoy me.
I remember the rainy days.
When you would be there outside my class, waiting for me. And then you’d say “Hey, how was your class?” and I’ll just look into your eyes and stay silent. Willing you to get what I want and go away. And then you’d say “It’s raining. Let me take you home” and you would take my bag from my shoulder and started walking to your car.
I remember the sunny days.
When you would knock at my front door, and my mom would open the door. The way the both of you would talk and you’d say “I was thinking if I can take her out today” and the sound of my enthusiastic mother saying “Yes! Of course”
I remember the cold and painful days.
When you would call me thousands of times and leave hundreds of voicemails, asking where am I. The way you would always find out where I am and put your black hoodie on my cold body. The way your strong arms never fails to make me feel safe. The way your hands never get tired from wiping away my tears. The way your deep voice soothes me. The way you take out your sword and kill my demons. But most of all the way you barge in and destroy my walls.
So leave.
Because I can feel, I can see the last shred of my defense is starting to crumble down.
Leave.
Because if you won’t, I’ll call you at 2 AM. When the sound of my tears beats my voice. And I’ll tell you I need you. I’ll ask you if I could come over to your house. And you’ll say “No. I’ll be there in 15” And then you’d came and I’d calm down and I’ll say sorry. I’ll convince you to go home, and I’ll push you away the next day. I’ll lie and say “Thank you for last night, but I don’t need you anymore. I’m sorry.” I’ll walk away and leave you on your own, and I’ll call you again at 2 AM. Still with the breaking voice and the need of you and your deep soothing voice.
Go away.
Because I can’t have you giving me your jacket, or making me laugh, or killing my demons. I can’t have you poke my cheek everytime I got out of the class and I wasn’t smiling. I can’t have you. Not because I don’t want to, but because I can’t.
I can’t let you sacrifice the beauty of the lights, just to rescue me from the dark.
So leave, please.
Because my shield isn’t going to hold on for long.
And I can’t have you see the real me.
I can’t let you know that I want you to stay.
—hiraeth, i am not okay not okay not okay
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